thanksgiving day

today is thanksgiving day, i should be happy and thankful but instead inside i feel hurt and pain. iam without my children on this special holiday, and i am thankful for them. david and i met shelly and nic last nite for a few beers, i had a few too many and david made a smart choice and i wouldnt accept it, i was wearing beer goggles, and being my stubborn self. i should have listened and instead we got into a big huge fight, i know i said some real nasty words, words that can never be taken back, but i am sorry, awfully sorry, i dont know whats wrong with me lately, i seem to just wanna cry everyday. especially today missing mom and dad, not having any relationship with my sister or brother, no faimly, no kids, and i depend too much on david to make me happy maybe i put too much pressure on him, he works so hard to try to make me happy he is a hard worker and i am always worried about money, i just want us to be comfortable so we dont have to stress so much. i love david with my whole heart, i know i dont show it enough, and i think he doubts my love sometimes and i dont blame him, i can be a grumpy person alot of the time, bipolar sucks and its so hard to explain to people who dont suffer from it. my meds help quite a bit but not completly. as i write this my tears flow, i feel like a loser my days consist of sitting on this damn computer all day, the only friends i have are online friends. i feel like i just exist, that the world just evolves around me and i am just in this hole. i am dependent on david to fix that, bring me outta my hole, i wanna laugh again its not him, its a feeling inside of me, feelings of such pain and hurt, i know u cant live in the past but i cant seem to creep outta it. i dont feel like a good wife to david, i know im not easy to live with (we'll he's not perfect either) but i am difficult at times, and i know that, but its like its not really me acting that way, its like another person, i dont even know who the hell i am anymore. david thinks i dont like his faimly, truth is i do, im jealous he has one and i dont.....it hurts. and i wish his parents spoke english so i could have a mother in law and father in law relationship with them. i need that in my life, i need to feel like iam part of a faimly. as for my kids, they are the most important things in my life, next to david, and i miss and love them so much that sometimes it hurts so bad i think i will just fall apart. but they have good lives, much better than i could give them. i just want their love, ya know joshua is the only one who tells me he loves me, and that warms my heart. i love that boy!! my 1st born, iam so proud of him. then there is my funny guy, nathaniel, he cracks me up, and iam also so proud of him, funny how they can be so close and yet so different!! my heart broke last week when julie told me that dominic saw a picture of me and david and said "she used to live here, and he used to be my dad" he has never even met david. and he didnt refer to me as his mom. imagine that pain, that hurt that exploded inside of me, my own child that i gave birth too, not remembering his own mother.....julie tried to explain its just the autism, and i suppose i too have to understand that. then there is my zak, who still doesnt want to speak to me, someday he will, and i will have to be ready with answers, answers that i dont have right now. i hope the day he calls iam ready with some.....i just keep waiting and so far that day hasnt come. i try not to be jealous over julie, but they do call her mom, thats what hurts, as it would to any mother i suppose. i need to come out of my shell, i need to be happy to be healthy and alive, and not living on the street, i need to realize that there are people that are much worse off. god knows i try to think that way, i really do. i want to be a happy woman, have joys and excitements in my life with david, it hurts that we dont talk much....it hurts that we dont watch the same tv shows, and it especially hurts when we cant communicate our issues, and we end up yelling. iam willing to work on my half of the realationship, i dont ever want to make him unhappy again, i just need to feel love, sometimes i just dont feel it, and i think its me not him, i just dont feel that anyone loves me, including my kids, and it hurts me. today is a day to be thankful, im trying but i just feel so extremly sad inside, i just wanna sleep the whole day away. i dont feel like it matters, i WANT LOVE i NEED LOVE i know iam co dependent, and thats not good, i cant do anything on my own it seems
well i have rambled a very very long time but i need to get these feelings out. i feel sometimes alone and lonely, i need to find myself i just dont know how.... i havent seen a therapist in over 2 months, my old one left, so i have to start all over again. i guess i can start with i dont know who tammy really is....it feels like i dont exist, i have to pretend to be happy inside.....its so painful, no meds are ever gunna take my pain away. i crave attention, and david doesnt give it to me, he watches tv and im on the computer, thats how we live, its not healthy, we need to talk hold hands kiss hug, tell eachother how we feel about one another, i guess i will try to start making that happen and maybe he will then too. he is a good man and maybe im the one who isnt good enough for him....i hope and pray that he loves me, and i havent hurt him too badly, i feel horrible i said i was sorry i just hope he knows that i really dont mean to say bad things....but there is no excuse, i need to change too, i wanna life, a happy joyful life im 38 years old half my life is over i dont wanna waste it being unhappy because of my own pain.

holidays

iam so depressed, thanksgiving is around the corner and then its the christmas season once again, and once again i have no faimly to spend it with, my parents are both dead, and i dont talk to my sister or brother, they act like they are too good for me, as far as my children, they do things (in tradition) with their dad's and their stepmother's faimlies, so i am left with the hispanic ways of the holidays, spanish food, small apartment, not enough room for all to be seated around the table, no gifts, simple boring un festive. if i dont have my children with me than i dont want the holidays to come at all, i dont enjoy the holidays with my spanish in laws they dont speak any english and i feel left out and alone. i remember big holiday dinners at mom's house, turkey juicy and tender, homemade mashed potaoes and turnips, fresh bread, and of coarse hommade pies. mmmm, i miss my mom, and she did pass away right before xmas so the holidays make me miss her even more. it is hard to explain all this to my husband, he doesnt understand, and i dont want to hurt his feelings, but i feel so alone....without my children. and lets not forget the christmas festivities which we are never invited to, and having no money during the holidays doesnt help. i dont even know if my children or david's will get any gifts this year. times are tough and it is hard to keep focus on the now, and all the hussle and bussle of the holidays are the last thing that i need. i remember the christmas's past when i was married to my ex's and had my children, they were wonderful, to see the lil one's eyes christmas morning sparkle and glow with joy and wonder, thats what christmas is all about, its about the children, hell we havent even had a tree in 4 years, since weve been married, ugh im discusted right now so i will end for now

nobody knows....

i pretend that im glad you went away
these four walls close more everyday
and im dyin' inside
and nobody knows it but me
like a clown i put on a show
the pain is real even if nobody knows
and im cryin' inside
and nobody knows it but me
why didnt i say the things i needed to say
how could i let my angel get away
now my world is just tumblin' down
i can see it so clearly but your no where around
the nights are lonely the days are so sad
and i just keep thinking about the love that we had
and im missin' you
and nobody knows it but me
how blue can i get you should ask my heart
just like a jigsaw puzzle thats been torn all apart
a million words couldnt say just how i feel
a million years from now you know i'll be lovin' you still
the nights are lonely the days are so sad
and i just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
and im missing you and nobody knows it but me

boys growing up

my boys are almost men...we'll two of them. my almost 17 year old nathaniel has a new gf, and he is obvioussly extatic, the things he has been writing on facebook makes it sound that way....i dont know how to feel, iam suppose to feel happy, i know this but i cant help but feel my babes arent ready to fly free yet, like i still need to lead them by the hand, truth is i dont anymore they can just about fly on there own, i just hope and pray they especially nathaniel right now, doesnt get his heart broken, but if he does i will be there to hold him. on another note i got my scrapbooks outta storage, it was great browsing thru the baby pictures and thinking back to all the fond memories....i admit it did make me cry, where did the time go?

i love my kids soo much

my children are the most important things in my life. words cannot even express how much i love them, unfortunatly things happened in and out of my control that leaves me with out seeing them as often as i would like. yesterday i was having a chat with my oldest son joshua on facebook, at first the conversation was about school, tests, homecoming, yearbook pictures etc...somehow (i dont know how) i got on the subject of me not being there for him thru the years, i told him i was sorry and i said, "you know how much i love you right?" he said "yes mom i definatly do, and i love you" i also told him how i really want to be in his life as he gets older. he made me cry, he told me i did fine and that it was ok, he was kind warm sincere and so grown up yet such a child.... i cryed and cryed, but didnt let him know that, it meant the world to me that i atleast didnt let down all my sons. the guilt i feel is such a burden to carry, sometimes it gets so heavy, i get lost in the what if's and the past if i had done this, i cant stop the world from turning and i sure cant stop my boys from growing. they are getting along happily with their lives and so should i....why oh why do i find it so hard. iam very tough on myself, i continue to beat my self up all the time, and all the encouragement from therapy and friends cant change that right now, i feel how i feel and i know that needs to change, i just cant do it yet. i cant let go, what others have already let go of, and that is the old tammy, i wish i could say i learn from my mistakes, maybe i have, i really dont know, all i know right now at this moment is that i love my boys more than life itself and iam going to be here for them when they are ready....

my walk

ok i did it yvonne i actually went for a walk lol, it was nice i must say the brisk air did feel good and even for a little while free, maybe thats why they say exercise is good for depression....i found that it freed my mind, if only for a little while...that is until the "miss do u have the time" i replied 11:30 to which he replied "do u know when the bus comes thru here?" i replied "sorry no" and kept walking, i walked about an 1/4 of a mile (roundtrip) on my way back the young guy in his early twenties said as i walked by "hey sexy" i was like WHAT ME IS HE TALKING TO ME? of coarse i didnt say those words, i didnt say anything, just smiled and kept walking.....a good day....

deadly bipolar

ahhh i should be used to this by now this arrangement has been set into place for 4 years, as far as zak and dom go, i can only see them at chris's house which is totally unfair, i never had a laywer at the hearings so everyone was on chris's side, the deadly bipolar monster had come out, well thats why our divorce happened in the first place, lemme take you back, i had stopped taking all my meds for my bipolar, because i was feeling better (i know now not to do that again, i learned a huge lesson) thats when i went totally manic, spending lots of money, thinking of other men, and sex, which are the classic syptoms of a person in a manic state, i didnt care about anything but myself, and as i write this thru my tears, i wish i could go back, but my illness turned me from the ll bean all soccer mommy into this person i did not know, nor did anyone else. thus after several manic occurances i asked for a divorce, i have no idea why....it wasnt me, i loved chris and god knows i always will, even thou he dispises me. so thus he brought it into court that i abandonded my faimly, just like that, i never did that i didnt leave them like that, but he says and belives that i did, i dont remember doing any such thing, we'll he tells me i blame it on my pills, but it is so true they will be the best thing in the world for someone who has bipolar, if you find the right combination. now finally after many many years (over 20) of struggling with the ups and downs of bipolar, iam stable, thank the lord (which i often do) but look where this disease left me, without my two youngest boys.....which kills me every single day of my life. i missed soo much in their lives, i should still be there, still married to chris, who for some strange reason i still love....he is so mean and cruel to me, yet i still love him, maybe becuz i think i deserve the mean and cruelty? i dont know, all i know is he doesnt care if i am ever a mother to zak and dom, and i dont want to be left out of their lives... i have missed so much of their lives that i dont even feel like their mother anymore, sure i send lil cards and call but now zak doesnt even want to talk to me, he says it is because he saw pictures of me on facebook drinking beer and smoking ciggs, i told him those pics were from 2.5 years ago!! i told him i dont smoke or drink anymore, but he doesnt believe me, and now he doesnt want to talk to me until he is ready. he is also going to therapy, but why isnt his therapist encouraging he and i to have a relationship? im so confused, i guess i will remain confused until something gives.....somethings gotta give....