holidays

iam so depressed, thanksgiving is around the corner and then its the christmas season once again, and once again i have no faimly to spend it with, my parents are both dead, and i dont talk to my sister or brother, they act like they are too good for me, as far as my children, they do things (in tradition) with their dad's and their stepmother's faimlies, so i am left with the hispanic ways of the holidays, spanish food, small apartment, not enough room for all to be seated around the table, no gifts, simple boring un festive. if i dont have my children with me than i dont want the holidays to come at all, i dont enjoy the holidays with my spanish in laws they dont speak any english and i feel left out and alone. i remember big holiday dinners at mom's house, turkey juicy and tender, homemade mashed potaoes and turnips, fresh bread, and of coarse hommade pies. mmmm, i miss my mom, and she did pass away right before xmas so the holidays make me miss her even more. it is hard to explain all this to my husband, he doesnt understand, and i dont want to hurt his feelings, but i feel so alone....without my children. and lets not forget the christmas festivities which we are never invited to, and having no money during the holidays doesnt help. i dont even know if my children or david's will get any gifts this year. times are tough and it is hard to keep focus on the now, and all the hussle and bussle of the holidays are the last thing that i need. i remember the christmas's past when i was married to my ex's and had my children, they were wonderful, to see the lil one's eyes christmas morning sparkle and glow with joy and wonder, thats what christmas is all about, its about the children, hell we havent even had a tree in 4 years, since weve been married, ugh im discusted right now so i will end for now