thanksgiving day

today is thanksgiving day, i should be happy and thankful but instead inside i feel hurt and pain. iam without my children on this special holiday, and i am thankful for them. david and i met shelly and nic last nite for a few beers, i had a few too many and david made a smart choice and i wouldnt accept it, i was wearing beer goggles, and being my stubborn self. i should have listened and instead we got into a big huge fight, i know i said some real nasty words, words that can never be taken back, but i am sorry, awfully sorry, i dont know whats wrong with me lately, i seem to just wanna cry everyday. especially today missing mom and dad, not having any relationship with my sister or brother, no faimly, no kids, and i depend too much on david to make me happy maybe i put too much pressure on him, he works so hard to try to make me happy he is a hard worker and i am always worried about money, i just want us to be comfortable so we dont have to stress so much. i love david with my whole heart, i know i dont show it enough, and i think he doubts my love sometimes and i dont blame him, i can be a grumpy person alot of the time, bipolar sucks and its so hard to explain to people who dont suffer from it. my meds help quite a bit but not completly. as i write this my tears flow, i feel like a loser my days consist of sitting on this damn computer all day, the only friends i have are online friends. i feel like i just exist, that the world just evolves around me and i am just in this hole. i am dependent on david to fix that, bring me outta my hole, i wanna laugh again its not him, its a feeling inside of me, feelings of such pain and hurt, i know u cant live in the past but i cant seem to creep outta it. i dont feel like a good wife to david, i know im not easy to live with (we'll he's not perfect either) but i am difficult at times, and i know that, but its like its not really me acting that way, its like another person, i dont even know who the hell i am anymore. david thinks i dont like his faimly, truth is i do, im jealous he has one and i dont.....it hurts. and i wish his parents spoke english so i could have a mother in law and father in law relationship with them. i need that in my life, i need to feel like iam part of a faimly. as for my kids, they are the most important things in my life, next to david, and i miss and love them so much that sometimes it hurts so bad i think i will just fall apart. but they have good lives, much better than i could give them. i just want their love, ya know joshua is the only one who tells me he loves me, and that warms my heart. i love that boy!! my 1st born, iam so proud of him. then there is my funny guy, nathaniel, he cracks me up, and iam also so proud of him, funny how they can be so close and yet so different!! my heart broke last week when julie told me that dominic saw a picture of me and david and said "she used to live here, and he used to be my dad" he has never even met david. and he didnt refer to me as his mom. imagine that pain, that hurt that exploded inside of me, my own child that i gave birth too, not remembering his own mother.....julie tried to explain its just the autism, and i suppose i too have to understand that. then there is my zak, who still doesnt want to speak to me, someday he will, and i will have to be ready with answers, answers that i dont have right now. i hope the day he calls iam ready with some.....i just keep waiting and so far that day hasnt come. i try not to be jealous over julie, but they do call her mom, thats what hurts, as it would to any mother i suppose. i need to come out of my shell, i need to be happy to be healthy and alive, and not living on the street, i need to realize that there are people that are much worse off. god knows i try to think that way, i really do. i want to be a happy woman, have joys and excitements in my life with david, it hurts that we dont talk much....it hurts that we dont watch the same tv shows, and it especially hurts when we cant communicate our issues, and we end up yelling. iam willing to work on my half of the realationship, i dont ever want to make him unhappy again, i just need to feel love, sometimes i just dont feel it, and i think its me not him, i just dont feel that anyone loves me, including my kids, and it hurts me. today is a day to be thankful, im trying but i just feel so extremly sad inside, i just wanna sleep the whole day away. i dont feel like it matters, i WANT LOVE i NEED LOVE i know iam co dependent, and thats not good, i cant do anything on my own it seems
well i have rambled a very very long time but i need to get these feelings out. i feel sometimes alone and lonely, i need to find myself i just dont know how.... i havent seen a therapist in over 2 months, my old one left, so i have to start all over again. i guess i can start with i dont know who tammy really is....it feels like i dont exist, i have to pretend to be happy inside.....its so painful, no meds are ever gunna take my pain away. i crave attention, and david doesnt give it to me, he watches tv and im on the computer, thats how we live, its not healthy, we need to talk hold hands kiss hug, tell eachother how we feel about one another, i guess i will try to start making that happen and maybe he will then too. he is a good man and maybe im the one who isnt good enough for him....i hope and pray that he loves me, and i havent hurt him too badly, i feel horrible i said i was sorry i just hope he knows that i really dont mean to say bad things....but there is no excuse, i need to change too, i wanna life, a happy joyful life im 38 years old half my life is over i dont wanna waste it being unhappy because of my own pain.