nobody knows....

i pretend that im glad you went away
these four walls close more everyday
and im dyin' inside
and nobody knows it but me
like a clown i put on a show
the pain is real even if nobody knows
and im cryin' inside
and nobody knows it but me
why didnt i say the things i needed to say
how could i let my angel get away
now my world is just tumblin' down
i can see it so clearly but your no where around
the nights are lonely the days are so sad
and i just keep thinking about the love that we had
and im missin' you
and nobody knows it but me
how blue can i get you should ask my heart
just like a jigsaw puzzle thats been torn all apart
a million words couldnt say just how i feel
a million years from now you know i'll be lovin' you still
the nights are lonely the days are so sad
and i just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
and im missing you and nobody knows it but me

boys growing up

my boys are almost men...we'll two of them. my almost 17 year old nathaniel has a new gf, and he is obvioussly extatic, the things he has been writing on facebook makes it sound that way....i dont know how to feel, iam suppose to feel happy, i know this but i cant help but feel my babes arent ready to fly free yet, like i still need to lead them by the hand, truth is i dont anymore they can just about fly on there own, i just hope and pray they especially nathaniel right now, doesnt get his heart broken, but if he does i will be there to hold him. on another note i got my scrapbooks outta storage, it was great browsing thru the baby pictures and thinking back to all the fond memories....i admit it did make me cry, where did the time go?

i love my kids soo much

my children are the most important things in my life. words cannot even express how much i love them, unfortunatly things happened in and out of my control that leaves me with out seeing them as often as i would like. yesterday i was having a chat with my oldest son joshua on facebook, at first the conversation was about school, tests, homecoming, yearbook pictures etc...somehow (i dont know how) i got on the subject of me not being there for him thru the years, i told him i was sorry and i said, "you know how much i love you right?" he said "yes mom i definatly do, and i love you" i also told him how i really want to be in his life as he gets older. he made me cry, he told me i did fine and that it was ok, he was kind warm sincere and so grown up yet such a child.... i cryed and cryed, but didnt let him know that, it meant the world to me that i atleast didnt let down all my sons. the guilt i feel is such a burden to carry, sometimes it gets so heavy, i get lost in the what if's and the past if i had done this, i cant stop the world from turning and i sure cant stop my boys from growing. they are getting along happily with their lives and so should i....why oh why do i find it so hard. iam very tough on myself, i continue to beat my self up all the time, and all the encouragement from therapy and friends cant change that right now, i feel how i feel and i know that needs to change, i just cant do it yet. i cant let go, what others have already let go of, and that is the old tammy, i wish i could say i learn from my mistakes, maybe i have, i really dont know, all i know right now at this moment is that i love my boys more than life itself and iam going to be here for them when they are ready....

my walk

ok i did it yvonne i actually went for a walk lol, it was nice i must say the brisk air did feel good and even for a little while free, maybe thats why they say exercise is good for depression....i found that it freed my mind, if only for a little while...that is until the "miss do u have the time" i replied 11:30 to which he replied "do u know when the bus comes thru here?" i replied "sorry no" and kept walking, i walked about an 1/4 of a mile (roundtrip) on my way back the young guy in his early twenties said as i walked by "hey sexy" i was like WHAT ME IS HE TALKING TO ME? of coarse i didnt say those words, i didnt say anything, just smiled and kept walking.....a good day....

deadly bipolar

ahhh i should be used to this by now this arrangement has been set into place for 4 years, as far as zak and dom go, i can only see them at chris's house which is totally unfair, i never had a laywer at the hearings so everyone was on chris's side, the deadly bipolar monster had come out, well thats why our divorce happened in the first place, lemme take you back, i had stopped taking all my meds for my bipolar, because i was feeling better (i know now not to do that again, i learned a huge lesson) thats when i went totally manic, spending lots of money, thinking of other men, and sex, which are the classic syptoms of a person in a manic state, i didnt care about anything but myself, and as i write this thru my tears, i wish i could go back, but my illness turned me from the ll bean all soccer mommy into this person i did not know, nor did anyone else. thus after several manic occurances i asked for a divorce, i have no idea why....it wasnt me, i loved chris and god knows i always will, even thou he dispises me. so thus he brought it into court that i abandonded my faimly, just like that, i never did that i didnt leave them like that, but he says and belives that i did, i dont remember doing any such thing, we'll he tells me i blame it on my pills, but it is so true they will be the best thing in the world for someone who has bipolar, if you find the right combination. now finally after many many years (over 20) of struggling with the ups and downs of bipolar, iam stable, thank the lord (which i often do) but look where this disease left me, without my two youngest boys.....which kills me every single day of my life. i missed soo much in their lives, i should still be there, still married to chris, who for some strange reason i still love....he is so mean and cruel to me, yet i still love him, maybe becuz i think i deserve the mean and cruelty? i dont know, all i know is he doesnt care if i am ever a mother to zak and dom, and i dont want to be left out of their lives... i have missed so much of their lives that i dont even feel like their mother anymore, sure i send lil cards and call but now zak doesnt even want to talk to me, he says it is because he saw pictures of me on facebook drinking beer and smoking ciggs, i told him those pics were from 2.5 years ago!! i told him i dont smoke or drink anymore, but he doesnt believe me, and now he doesnt want to talk to me until he is ready. he is also going to therapy, but why isnt his therapist encouraging he and i to have a relationship? im so confused, i guess i will remain confused until something gives.....somethings gotta give....

a little about my day

today was a boring day, i didnt accomplish anything but stay on the computer and try to take an nap which didnt work out too well, iam missing my kids alot lately, and iam sooo happy josh and nate are on facebook so we can keep up with eachother better. i was so proud to see the pretty girl nathaniel choose to take to homecoming, her name is amanda, short skirt.....but that was all the bad i could say, i told nathaniel 'STAY SAFE' hopefully he gets my point. we'll this is all for today im not much for words when iam in a crab apple mood like iam right now so until later...........

anxious

im feeling anxious, and i think i know why, i just found out for the first time that my 16 year old son has a girlfriend, iam happy and she looks lovely, so innocent, but i feel sad, my baby, growing into a man.....my heart is beating fast, iam trying to calm myself down by putting my feelings into words...i know it probly is crazy to feel this way, its just the boys they grew up so fast and i missed it all....hmmm i hate when it always goes back to me always back to me, we'll as i wipe away my unknown reason tears i will end for now

i need to get this off my chest this feeling of exreme guilt, un happiness, and loss, i lost my father to a stroke on november 11th 2005 (veterans day) he was a korean war vet who then became an oil burner serviceman for over 30 years. maybe longer, when he passed he make me executrix of his will, and left me a good sum of money. i could have started a new life for myself on that money, maybe bought a condo or a small home. instead my mind went into its manic state, and i spent every last dime. it was noones fault but mine. noone told me to stop, or how to invest, neither did i look into it myself....i blame noone but myself, and i cant seem to let go of that guilt. i know my father is looking down on me with dissapointment, as i am EXREMLY dissapointed in myself. i had never had money all to myself like that before and my soon to be husband, david, never asked for a dime, nor did he tell me what to do with MY money, i now looking back, wish he had. now every week we struggle, week to week month to month, i cry often because iam scared we wont be able to pay our bills. they are never on time always robbing peter to pay paul (as my mother used to put it) i dont know how we will ever get ahead. it wears on me so much. and now with my oldest high school graduation coming i could have bought him a nice used car with some of dad's money. all i thought of was spend spend spend, and i kept on spending until it was all gone, one of the biggest christmas's thou, lol i dont know quite how to forgive myself for this mistake, i honestly dont think i ever will. i live with this awful guilt everyday, and i know it will last forever along with all the other stupid mistakes ive made in my life, i figured id blog about this biggie first

i cant believe iam sitting here typing this blog at 3:30 AM on a sunday morning, i can hear the man above us smoring and david snoring, and my cofffee pot brewing my wake up juice, coffee. i had a weird dream , colleen szabo was in it and leanardo dicaprio at least it looked like him, colleen was rich and was able to buy him anything she wanted, and was, i was alone on the sidelines dreaming he would pick me for his date, he told me he was 90% sure he would choose me. we'll i woke up before i could find out who he chose, it was probly colleen anyways. yes. i have a negative attitude, not just towards my dream but towards everything and everyone. i dont understand why iam where iam today, why i didnt choose a different path on the long road to the end, now im stuck, thats exactly how i feel is stuck. now iam stuck in this blog and i cant believe i am gunna run outta things to say..lol..my boys went to homecoming last night!! i cant believe it, where does the time go? it just seems to float away on a little bubble high far away, and memories do fade, i dont care what anyone else says they fade!! i cant remeber half the shit in my life, oh yea my parents were in my dream too and debbie, as they all often are, they were being mean to me, in fact in almost all my dreams that is true. i hate to think mom and dad died mad at me but they did, mom died alone (we'll dad and debbie were there) without having seen my newest son that was born in september(she died december 3rd 2000) i was told later that she didnt want me to have dominic, by who? debbie of coarse and moms not here to defend herself. mom loved babies and at the time i was in a great relationship with chris, so why not? and as far as dad goes i was told, again by debbie, that he was upset with me in his last weeks. i have this enormous amount of guilt that i did something wrong or made them dissapointed in me, debbie sees herself as a hero because she took care of mom for a while during her illness. then took care and moved in with dad durning his last months.
i swear i think iam the only one in the world up at this hour. i go to bed at 6pm so what do u expect? maybe i really need to start staying up later? i cant stand sitting here in front of the t.v. arguing with david, it happens everynite. i say something, he takes me too seriouslly, then we start to fight, he'll say something i dont like, then off to bed i go. we cant live like this forever. somethings gotta give. either i have to just blow his comments off, or he needs to chill and stop taking everything so seriouslly. i think #2 is the best choice.

gee where do i begin? the swearing the yelling the sarcasm, to name a few, then a change to kindness and empathy, almost like um going bipolar on my ass!! lol no seriouslly i have bipolar and that is deffinatly not it, hard worker, big hearted, un talktative, un friendly un approachable person in the world. i cringe when he comes in to the room, yet i love him with all my heart. is that possible?
i find him very childlike in his ways exremly forgetful, will make promises to everyone knowing he cannot grant those promises, just to make the person happy for the moment, he means well, doesnt wanna hurt anyone just wants to keep things mellow. he is unsupportaive, and doesnt listen to my concerns about the marriage, his cartoons or football is more important. i can go on and on i simply dont have the strength. i dont know what to do why do i love this man, we have NOTHING in common......as will follow....

well iam new to this whole blogging thing, i thought i would get into it for two reasons we'll actually 3, 1st a friend reccommended it 2nd i love to journal and 3rd i have alot of time on my hands. today is saturday october 17th, we are suppose to go to the haunted mansion at lake compounce and iam looking forward to spending time with my husband, he works alot and sometimes we dont get to see enough of eachother, it works thou, sometimes when he comes home from his job he is sooo stressed he just wants to eat take off his clothes and change and relax in front of the tv, thus the blogging, while he is watching his shows i can blog lol we'll its a beautiful day here in connecticut so i think i will soak it up thats all for now

happy halloween

happy halloween to all, this year we are living in an apartment, so we probly wont get many trick or treaters. the reason for this blog is a memory, quite a fond one a milestone actually. when my 2nd husband and i got divorced i was living near by (for a short time) it was halloween and all 4 of my boys were gathered at my ex's home for trick or treating, i was going along. dominic, my youngest son who has autism, didnt want to go. we were hoping he would he was 5 then and had never wanted to go trick or treating in the past. well i took my 3 other boys around the entire block, needless to say they got lots of treats! when we came back to my ex's house dominic took my oldests sons soccer mask and started playing with it. i asked him "do you want mommy to take you trick or treating" "no trick or treating" he replied. after about 20 min he put the mask on! this was a total shock to both chris (my ex) and i, then he said "go trick or treating?" i was overfilled with joy!!! my baby's first trick or treating!! he put the overly big for his lil head mask on, and off he and i went, we only made it to about 4 or 5 houses then he had enough, we went back to chris's house, he was so proud of himself as was i. it was quite a halloween i will never forget.....when you have an autistic child the smallest things that dont mean as much to most parents mean the world to a parent with an autistic child happy halloween 2009