deadly bipolar

ahhh i should be used to this by now this arrangement has been set into place for 4 years, as far as zak and dom go, i can only see them at chris's house which is totally unfair, i never had a laywer at the hearings so everyone was on chris's side, the deadly bipolar monster had come out, well thats why our divorce happened in the first place, lemme take you back, i had stopped taking all my meds for my bipolar, because i was feeling better (i know now not to do that again, i learned a huge lesson) thats when i went totally manic, spending lots of money, thinking of other men, and sex, which are the classic syptoms of a person in a manic state, i didnt care about anything but myself, and as i write this thru my tears, i wish i could go back, but my illness turned me from the ll bean all soccer mommy into this person i did not know, nor did anyone else. thus after several manic occurances i asked for a divorce, i have no idea why....it wasnt me, i loved chris and god knows i always will, even thou he dispises me. so thus he brought it into court that i abandonded my faimly, just like that, i never did that i didnt leave them like that, but he says and belives that i did, i dont remember doing any such thing, we'll he tells me i blame it on my pills, but it is so true they will be the best thing in the world for someone who has bipolar, if you find the right combination. now finally after many many years (over 20) of struggling with the ups and downs of bipolar, iam stable, thank the lord (which i often do) but look where this disease left me, without my two youngest boys.....which kills me every single day of my life. i missed soo much in their lives, i should still be there, still married to chris, who for some strange reason i still love....he is so mean and cruel to me, yet i still love him, maybe becuz i think i deserve the mean and cruelty? i dont know, all i know is he doesnt care if i am ever a mother to zak and dom, and i dont want to be left out of their lives... i have missed so much of their lives that i dont even feel like their mother anymore, sure i send lil cards and call but now zak doesnt even want to talk to me, he says it is because he saw pictures of me on facebook drinking beer and smoking ciggs, i told him those pics were from 2.5 years ago!! i told him i dont smoke or drink anymore, but he doesnt believe me, and now he doesnt want to talk to me until he is ready. he is also going to therapy, but why isnt his therapist encouraging he and i to have a relationship? im so confused, i guess i will remain confused until something gives.....somethings gotta give....