i love my kids soo much

my children are the most important things in my life. words cannot even express how much i love them, unfortunatly things happened in and out of my control that leaves me with out seeing them as often as i would like. yesterday i was having a chat with my oldest son joshua on facebook, at first the conversation was about school, tests, homecoming, yearbook pictures etc...somehow (i dont know how) i got on the subject of me not being there for him thru the years, i told him i was sorry and i said, "you know how much i love you right?" he said "yes mom i definatly do, and i love you" i also told him how i really want to be in his life as he gets older. he made me cry, he told me i did fine and that it was ok, he was kind warm sincere and so grown up yet such a child.... i cryed and cryed, but didnt let him know that, it meant the world to me that i atleast didnt let down all my sons. the guilt i feel is such a burden to carry, sometimes it gets so heavy, i get lost in the what if's and the past if i had done this, i cant stop the world from turning and i sure cant stop my boys from growing. they are getting along happily with their lives and so should i....why oh why do i find it so hard. iam very tough on myself, i continue to beat my self up all the time, and all the encouragement from therapy and friends cant change that right now, i feel how i feel and i know that needs to change, i just cant do it yet. i cant let go, what others have already let go of, and that is the old tammy, i wish i could say i learn from my mistakes, maybe i have, i really dont know, all i know right now at this moment is that i love my boys more than life itself and iam going to be here for them when they are ready....