i need to get this off my chest this feeling of exreme guilt, un happiness, and loss, i lost my father to a stroke on november 11th 2005 (veterans day) he was a korean war vet who then became an oil burner serviceman for over 30 years. maybe longer, when he passed he make me executrix of his will, and left me a good sum of money. i could have started a new life for myself on that money, maybe bought a condo or a small home. instead my mind went into its manic state, and i spent every last dime. it was noones fault but mine. noone told me to stop, or how to invest, neither did i look into it myself....i blame noone but myself, and i cant seem to let go of that guilt. i know my father is looking down on me with dissapointment, as i am EXREMLY dissapointed in myself. i had never had money all to myself like that before and my soon to be husband, david, never asked for a dime, nor did he tell me what to do with MY money, i now looking back, wish he had. now every week we struggle, week to week month to month, i cry often because iam scared we wont be able to pay our bills. they are never on time always robbing peter to pay paul (as my mother used to put it) i dont know how we will ever get ahead. it wears on me so much. and now with my oldest high school graduation coming i could have bought him a nice used car with some of dad's money. all i thought of was spend spend spend, and i kept on spending until it was all gone, one of the biggest christmas's thou, lol i dont know quite how to forgive myself for this mistake, i honestly dont think i ever will. i live with this awful guilt everyday, and i know it will last forever along with all the other stupid mistakes ive made in my life, i figured id blog about this biggie first